Deep Sign #991 - Sidewalk Hogs

Sadly, this post isn't about pigs lounging on pedestrian walkways.  I apologize to those who thought otherwise and was disappointed on the click through.  Rather it is directed at individuals who have no clue about proper sidewalk etiquette and do not know how to share the thoroughfare with others.

I admit, I'm a fast walker - correction, a pedestrian with a purpose.  I have places to go and I'd rather get to it quickly than move at a glacial pace.  I'm not crazy quick, I mean, it's not like I'm going at the pace of one of those Olympic speed walkers (who look like they are all on a mission to find the nearest washroom, IMHO).

I love to walk - living downtown, it's faster sometimes to get to point A to B by taking a brisk constitutional than hopping on public transit or by car.  But it was always incredibly annoying to me when I was stuck behind a, or many, Sidewalk Hog(s).  I've identified several forms:

The Slow Walker.  These individuals were exposed to the story of the Tortoise and the Hare as a child and really took to heart the lesson that slow and steady wins the race.  I mean, it's easy to say that seniors are the most likely group to fall into this category, but don't be fooled.  Slow walkers are likely that way due to their personality.  They are usually the laid back, non-chalant, never on time person that you hate to have with you when you have to catch a plane.  Slow walkers take note - if you know you're going to move at the pace that Eeyore talks, then kindly move into the imaginary slow lane to the right of others, on the sidewalk.

The Sudden Stopper (aka Course Changer).  When a car ever stopped suddenly forcing you to slam on your breaks, you know the number of expletives you would use in a situation like that.  I feel that way about people who stop suddenly in the middle of a large group of people to check for directions or try to find something in their bag.  Or those who decide - crap, I've gone the wrong direction, I'll just make this u-turn without looking - before they slam into you holding a cup of Starbucks with your wrong name on it.  These Sudden Stoppers and Course Changers really should be equipped with car hazard lights and signalling devices to spare the rest of us the pain of tackling them.

The Group Hogs.  This pack of inconsiderate mofos travel in a pack to irritate the shit out of you.  They form a walking group that takes up the entire width of the sidewalk forcing people to walk around them and then giving US the dirty looks when we decide we've had enough and walk through them.  They are also prone to stopping and gathering in a big group on the sidewalk preventing normal flow of traffic, like plaque buildup in an artery causing a heart attack.  In any case, when you encounter Group Hogs, you'll likely have a heart attack trying to suppress your overwhelming urge to charge through them.

The "I Own This Sidewalk"-er.  This is the douchebag that decides, well, I'm just going to stand here in the middle of all of this traffic and check my phone while waiting for my buddy.  Good for you man, but next time, fuck off to the peripheries of the sidewalk and do your chilling out there.

The Expandables.  No, this isn't a group of super heroes from Disney, they are those who carry bags and bags of shit (shopping bags, luggage, gym bags), that make them take up twice the amount of space on the sidewalk.  They are even worse on escalators - blocking up the passing section and forcing injuries of scratches or bruises on those walking by.  They also walk slowly since they are weighed down by all this extra baggage, and every time they turn, you bet your ass they injure some unsuspecting poor soul.  They are triple threats.

You've likely encountered at least one or two of these Sidewalk Hogs before, and for those of you who enjoy a regular jaunt you've likely seen all five of these characters.  They really make you reconsider walking outside or just hopping in your car and avoid pedestrians altogether.

DEEP SIGH.