Deep Sign #991 - Sidewalk Hogs

Sadly, this post isn't about pigs lounging on pedestrian walkways.  I apologize to those who thought otherwise and was disappointed on the click through.  Rather it is directed at individuals who have no clue about proper sidewalk etiquette and do not know how to share the thoroughfare with others.

I admit, I'm a fast walker - correction, a pedestrian with a purpose.  I have places to go and I'd rather get to it quickly than move at a glacial pace.  I'm not crazy quick, I mean, it's not like I'm going at the pace of one of those Olympic speed walkers (who look like they are all on a mission to find the nearest washroom, IMHO).

I love to walk - living downtown, it's faster sometimes to get to point A to B by taking a brisk constitutional than hopping on public transit or by car.  But it was always incredibly annoying to me when I was stuck behind a, or many, Sidewalk Hog(s).  I've identified several forms:

The Slow Walker.  These individuals were exposed to the story of the Tortoise and the Hare as a child and really took to heart the lesson that slow and steady wins the race.  I mean, it's easy to say that seniors are the most likely group to fall into this category, but don't be fooled.  Slow walkers are likely that way due to their personality.  They are usually the laid back, non-chalant, never on time person that you hate to have with you when you have to catch a plane.  Slow walkers take note - if you know you're going to move at the pace that Eeyore talks, then kindly move into the imaginary slow lane to the right of others, on the sidewalk.

The Sudden Stopper (aka Course Changer).  When a car ever stopped suddenly forcing you to slam on your breaks, you know the number of expletives you would use in a situation like that.  I feel that way about people who stop suddenly in the middle of a large group of people to check for directions or try to find something in their bag.  Or those who decide - crap, I've gone the wrong direction, I'll just make this u-turn without looking - before they slam into you holding a cup of Starbucks with your wrong name on it.  These Sudden Stoppers and Course Changers really should be equipped with car hazard lights and signalling devices to spare the rest of us the pain of tackling them.

The Group Hogs.  This pack of inconsiderate mofos travel in a pack to irritate the shit out of you.  They form a walking group that takes up the entire width of the sidewalk forcing people to walk around them and then giving US the dirty looks when we decide we've had enough and walk through them.  They are also prone to stopping and gathering in a big group on the sidewalk preventing normal flow of traffic, like plaque buildup in an artery causing a heart attack.  In any case, when you encounter Group Hogs, you'll likely have a heart attack trying to suppress your overwhelming urge to charge through them.

The "I Own This Sidewalk"-er.  This is the douchebag that decides, well, I'm just going to stand here in the middle of all of this traffic and check my phone while waiting for my buddy.  Good for you man, but next time, fuck off to the peripheries of the sidewalk and do your chilling out there.

The Expandables.  No, this isn't a group of super heroes from Disney, they are those who carry bags and bags of shit (shopping bags, luggage, gym bags), that make them take up twice the amount of space on the sidewalk.  They are even worse on escalators - blocking up the passing section and forcing injuries of scratches or bruises on those walking by.  They also walk slowly since they are weighed down by all this extra baggage, and every time they turn, you bet your ass they injure some unsuspecting poor soul.  They are triple threats.

You've likely encountered at least one or two of these Sidewalk Hogs before, and for those of you who enjoy a regular jaunt you've likely seen all five of these characters.  They really make you reconsider walking outside or just hopping in your car and avoid pedestrians altogether.

DEEP SIGH.

#992 - When the barista gets your name wrong

After traveling for these past two months, I've come to the realization that once in a while, it's nice to treat yourself to a taste of home.  I have two guilty pleasures - one is McDonald's (I've tried Mickey D's in at least 20 different countries by now - which I'm sure will be a DEEP SIGH topic sooner or later) and the other is Starbucks.  Despite its crazy prices and endless menu that makes you do more reading than a ninth grade English class novel, Starbucks is always a great destination for that cup of joe that reminds you of home, and free wifi to satisfy your internet craving.  As an addict of the net, I am very grateful to pay a premium for my iced beverage just for the ability to surf the internet for an unlimited amount of time.

But what I absolutely hate about the place is the fact that the Baristas take down your name during your order.  Look, I understand the fact that you want to personalize the customer experience, but really, does it help if my name is rarely correct on the cup?

Maybe it's the loud sounds of people talking at the tables, or the machines whooshing and whirling every sort of concoction that prevent the Barista from having any clue of what your name is.  The more letters, the easier it is to fuck it up.  Three syllables?  You might as well go fuck yourself, you'll never get your name properly written on that cup.

Here's how a conversation usually goes with a Barista (mind you, even English speaking countries still have issues with my name - this example was from a recent trip to London):

Smiling Barista: "What's your name sir?"
Me: "Terence."
Happy Barista: "Thanks Karen - your order will be up shortly."
Me: "No, it's Terence." (Puzzled look on my face as if I look like a Karen while double checking to see if my penis was still there.)
Apologetic Barista: "Sorry, Clarace, I'll get that corrected for you." (pens out Karen and starts to write Clarace.)
Me: "No, sorry, it's Terence." (Saying it louder and wondering why I just apologized - I guess it's just the Canadian in me.)
Puzzled Barista: "Taris?" (Scratching out Clarace and now trying to find an empty spot on the cup to write this common name of Taris on the cup.)
Me: "No, TERENCE." (I'm projecting like I'm on a Broadway stage speaking to a crowd of over 1,000 theatre goers.)
Confident Barista: "Oh, Terrace!"  (Feeling all proud that he's finally got it.)
Me: "Yea, Terrace." (Resigned to the fact that I've just wasted a full minute trying to play 20 questions with my name with this Barista.)
Other Barista: "Terrace?  Iced latte?"
Me: "Here." (Begrudgingly accepting my new identity.)

After a trip to Starbucks, I walk out with and iced cold drink and a Multiple Personality Disorder.

At this rate, it's just better to make up a name like Peter or Mark or Paul that they can't fuck up.  (Or can they?)

DEEP SIGH.

On a DEEP SIGH sidenote, I was outside an Edinburgh Starbucks near closing time and saw a woman walk into order a coffee.  She was the only one in the place and the Barista still asked her for her name. She looked around, first to her left, and then to her right, and she must have been thinking, why the fuck do you need my name if I'm the only one here.  I guess she finally relented because I saw the Barista quickly scribble something down on her cup before getting her drink ready.  I wonder if ELLEN walked out of there equally angered that her name Helen (or better yet Eileen) was nowhere to be found on her cup.

#993 - People who sit beside you on the bus when there are other seats available

I am a huge fan of public transit.  Before you attack me on my statement, I'm going to legal asterisk my comment by saying "In most metropolitan cities."  Public transit is cheap, accessible, and gets you where you need to go.

Of course, there are the downsides - it is crowded, it is dirty and it is often smelly.  Summer + no air conditioning + people exposing their sweaty armpits to hold onto railings while wearing no deodorant =  the breath holding skills you practiced with your siblings as a child and your parents said would never amount to anything really do come in handy.

When I worked in advertising, I'd often take the Toronto subway during off-peak hours because, well, I was at work earlier and later than your regular 9 to 5er.  Commuting at this time was perfect as seats were available throughout the subway cars and everyone had ample personal space.

Just when you think you have reached the peak of commuter nirvana as you comfortably sit three seats away from any other life form, a weirdo sits right beside you.  I'm not talking about two seats away, I'm saying ass cheek to ass cheek beside you.

You look to your left and see three empty seats.  You look to your right and (besides the one that's now occupied by Weirdo McFreakazoid) and there were three empty seats.  Really, of all the places to sit, the seat next to you was deemed the luckiest of them all by this guy?

So you're in a predicament - if you stay, you're stuck having to ride it out until one of you gets up for your stop.  If you move, you have that awkward ride of looking at each other knowing you moved because you were uncomfortable around that other person.  There's really no polite way of getting out of this one.

Plus, you were settled there first.  You put the stake in the ground that that empty area belonged to your ass and no one else's for at least a few seats.  Fuck it, you decide to move.  You're never going to see this asshole again.  You move your seat, look into your bag to see if you can score some reading material to avoid the puppy dog eyes of the guy who you just moved away from and realize you left your go-to commuting book on your desk at work.  Get ready for some awkward eye contact avoidance for the remainder of your commute.

DEEP SIGH.

#994 - Being sober when all your friends are shit-faced drunk.

"I'm the designated driver."
"I'm on anti-biotics."
"I'm observing a religious event."

All proper excuses for not drinking.  All perfect reasons for you to curl up into a corner and cry because during the next six hours of partying with your friends, you're going to regret agreeing to be DD, having that horrible infection (no judgement), or being a part of a religion that makes you abstain from happy juice.

Let's face it, we're no angels when we get shittered.  We're loud, we slur our words, we sometimes spit when we talk, we bump into people, and we laugh/cry/rage uncontrollably.  We force the poor sober friend to take our abuse.  One of these abuses is making them the one to take the obnoxious photos of everyone else progressively getting drunk so that we can all laugh about it tomorrow and yell at our friends over Facebook to not to tag us, but really secretly hoping everyone sees how much of a party animal you are.

This photo screams: "I am
a responsible adult."

Then, it's your turn.  You're the sober one (everyone has to step up sometime).  You have to put up with the friend who's yelling in your ear about her problems with her boyfriend while on her seventh glass of wine.  You have to decipher your best friend's slurred tirade about why he hates his job while trying to comfort him with short sentences and repeating the same advice since they keep A.D.D.-ing elsewhere.  You wait impatiently as your group of friends stumble into each other in a crowded club trying to take a decent group partying photo.

And just when you think the night can't get any worse, drinks get spilled on your nice clubbing clothes, people keep stepping on your feet while you navigate a dancefloor of intoxicated heavyfoots and the bartender starts ignoring your requests for diet coke because he realizes he's not getting tipped by you.  Everything is just amplified by the fact that you're sober and observing all these assholes around you having the time of their lives and wishing you could be like them.  This is where an Ariel/Little Mermaid reference cue would work well.

All you want is for this night to be over.  You look down at your watch and it is still only 11 fucking 30.  These people are going to be partying until at least 2am.

DEEP SIGH.  Next time, you're drinking regardless of the antibiotics or the religious holiday.  But don't drink and drive.  That's just fucking stupid.

DEEP SIGH FUNFACT: The term SHITFACED DRUNK comes from the time where people used to dump their chamberpots (where they stored their shit because there was no indoor plumbing) out their windows and it would rain on unfortunate victims below.  In Edinburgh, Scotland, there were laws put in place that only allowed people to throw their pot contents out the window at 10am and 10pm.  10pm just happened to be when all of the drunks would leave the pubs as it was closing time.  The drunks would hear the warnings, but would be so wasted, they would look up to see where the shouting would come from and end up with shit on their face.  Hence, they would be the SHITFACED DRUNK.  (Cue "The More You Know" music.)

#995 - Forgetting tissues in your pockets during laundry

I like laundry.  I know many loathe having to spend a couple of hours every weekend to sort through their whites and colours, sit around and wait for a couple of hours and then engage in the terrifying task of sorting and folding begins (God help you if you have a large family.)  But for me, I find laundry to be nice downtime in which I can destress by catching up on some missed shows, read a book or perhaps pop open a bottle of wine, unless this happens...  Plus, one of my favourite smells in the world is Tide laundry detergent, which is amplified by the warmth of being fresh out of the dryer.  Mmmm...it's a strange smell obsession, but who are you to judge?

I'm pretty thorough when it comes to laundry.  Chalk it up to my obsessive compulsive nature, but I have one bin for whites and one for my colours.  I always double check the lint trap and make sure to do a pocket squeeze check to make sure nothing of importance is left to die in the frigid cold water wash cycle.  (Sidenote: reduce your energy costs by washing in cold water.)

However, there's always the one or two items that you've missed which results in some hand smacks to your forehead.  No item is worse than the dreaded tissue (used or unused, they both suck balls.)  They elude your squeeze test, they stay buried as a damp clump during the wash cycle but then unleash their full fury during the dryer phase.  Operation Fuck Up Your Clothes is soon complete.

The minute you open the dryer door, your jaw drops in reaction to the utter madness of it all.  Some small wisps of paper tissue escape the dryer and fly aimlessly through the air as if they were taunting you for your stupidity.  The rest of their colleagues stubbornly cling onto the entire load of dark clothing that you've been eagerly waiting for.  You close your eyes and think - fuck, if only I had stuck my hand into that damn jeans pocket, that one second invested would have saved me this frustration.

You're stuck with either doing the laundry again and hoping the white bits would wash away, or using a roller to go through all of your clothes and manually picking out the really stubborn asshole tissue pieces that refuse to vacate.  Regardless, you won't get rid of all of them.  They'll be with you for at least another couple of washes, and each time a friend or work colleague picks one off of your sweater, you'll be reminded of your failure at life that particular Sunday laundry-filled afternoon.

DEEP SIGH.

#996 - Travel companions that can't take photos.

You saved up for a wicked trip.  You invited your good friend to come with you.  You're on the plane to that once in a lifetime destination.  You guys arrive and start taking in the surroundings.  You pick an amazing backdrop to commemorate your vacation and *SNAP* - the photo that will be on display in your living room for the next decade has been taken.  Then you get your camera back and you realize your friend is a shit photographer.

Friend, I understand this was an action shot, but you couldn't have snapped it at a more appropriate moment where I didn't have the instructor behind me?  No?  Okay.

You're head's cut off, the scenery is out of focus, everything is backlit.  Basic photography skills are no where to be found with your companion.  "What the fuck?" - you silently fume to yourself as you try to take a self-portrait to make up for the disappointing photo.  Even the self-portrait, taken at a ridiculous angle, produces a better result than the one your friend just took.  You produce a small sigh and think, maybe it was just a fluke.

Until you get to your next destination and ask them to take a photo because unfortunately, there's no one else to be found.  You instruct them how you'd like to frame the photo, what you'd like captured and how you're going to pose and the only thing they need to do is to hold their arms in the way you've positioned them and click the shutter button.

Of course my face looks that blurry in real life.  Thanks again for capturing one of my life's great moments.

It still turns out like shit.  You're now pissed.  You've just come on vacation with a shitty photographer and you realize that you're not going to get one good photo for the entire time.  Flush all of your important memories down the toilet.  No more awesome photo on the mantle.  No more Facebook profile photo to use for the next two months.

Fuck it, it's time to follow around some Asian tourists.  When in doubt, ask an Asian with an SLR dangling around his neck to take your photo.  They will rarely disappoint.

DEEP SIGH.

#997 - Cutting your fingernails and realizing you need to open a can after the fact

In my humble opinion, men should always have short fingernails.  There's nothing worse than seeing a man with Howard Hughes-esque claws, especially when you go in for a handshake and you're stabbed by their ivory digit daggers.  There really should be a law in place for this - I once had to ride in a cab where the cabbie's 1.5 cm pinky nail (I fucking kid you not) was staring at me the whole way to my destination.  I would have rather that he had horrible body odour as opposed to freak nail.  I had to stop a couple of blocks early because I started hallucinating that it was talking to me and saying: "LOOK AT ME."  (Fine, I was a bit hammered when this hallucination occurred, but I would have been equally freaked out if I was sober).  Okay, you get it, I hate long fingernails.  This is why I have a policy in place that I cut mine every weekend.

Another pet peeve is uneven
nail lengths.  But for now,
let's just not go there.

Just as you start to admire your freshly pruned fingertips, you realize one huge disadvantage.  You cannot open beer cans as easily as before.  This just fucking sucks because the first thing I want to do after some intensive nail clipping labour is to reach for a cold one.  Guys (and some really awesome girls), you know what I'm talking about.  You groomed yourself so that you can go out partying that night and you want to start things off right, but now you can't because each time you attempt to open that metallic tab, you hear that "click, click, click" sound of the metal popping back into place.

You're slightly irritated so you attempt it again with your other hand.  Click, click, click goes the metal tab - it's laughing at you for no longer being able to get it to go "PHISH", that golden sound of can opening accomplishment.  It's taunting you - click, click, click - that you would do something as stupid as shaving off those valuable can opening tools leaving yourself can-dicapped.

You have three options now: either abandon your quest, use another tool to open the can and look like a sissy for not being able to crack open that top, or hand it over to another person who will mock you for your silly life decisions of wanting short fingernails.

One can never win in a situation like this.  Especially since you realized you should have gotten the beer in bottles.  DEEP SIGH.

HOW WILL I GET TO MY OZUJSKO AND KARLOVACKO BEERS NOW?!  WHY GOD?  WHY?!