#997 - Cutting your fingernails and realizing you need to open a can after the fact

In my humble opinion, men should always have short fingernails.  There's nothing worse than seeing a man with Howard Hughes-esque claws, especially when you go in for a handshake and you're stabbed by their ivory digit daggers.  There really should be a law in place for this - I once had to ride in a cab where the cabbie's 1.5 cm pinky nail (I fucking kid you not) was staring at me the whole way to my destination.  I would have rather that he had horrible body odour as opposed to freak nail.  I had to stop a couple of blocks early because I started hallucinating that it was talking to me and saying: "LOOK AT ME."  (Fine, I was a bit hammered when this hallucination occurred, but I would have been equally freaked out if I was sober).  Okay, you get it, I hate long fingernails.  This is why I have a policy in place that I cut mine every weekend.

Another pet peeve is uneven
nail lengths.  But for now,
let's just not go there.

Just as you start to admire your freshly pruned fingertips, you realize one huge disadvantage.  You cannot open beer cans as easily as before.  This just fucking sucks because the first thing I want to do after some intensive nail clipping labour is to reach for a cold one.  Guys (and some really awesome girls), you know what I'm talking about.  You groomed yourself so that you can go out partying that night and you want to start things off right, but now you can't because each time you attempt to open that metallic tab, you hear that "click, click, click" sound of the metal popping back into place.

You're slightly irritated so you attempt it again with your other hand.  Click, click, click goes the metal tab - it's laughing at you for no longer being able to get it to go "PHISH", that golden sound of can opening accomplishment.  It's taunting you - click, click, click - that you would do something as stupid as shaving off those valuable can opening tools leaving yourself can-dicapped.

You have three options now: either abandon your quest, use another tool to open the can and look like a sissy for not being able to crack open that top, or hand it over to another person who will mock you for your silly life decisions of wanting short fingernails.

One can never win in a situation like this.  Especially since you realized you should have gotten the beer in bottles.  DEEP SIGH.

HOW WILL I GET TO MY OZUJSKO AND KARLOVACKO BEERS NOW?!  WHY GOD?  WHY?!