#994 - Being sober when all your friends are shit-faced drunk.

"I'm the designated driver."
"I'm on anti-biotics."
"I'm observing a religious event."

All proper excuses for not drinking.  All perfect reasons for you to curl up into a corner and cry because during the next six hours of partying with your friends, you're going to regret agreeing to be DD, having that horrible infection (no judgement), or being a part of a religion that makes you abstain from happy juice.

Let's face it, we're no angels when we get shittered.  We're loud, we slur our words, we sometimes spit when we talk, we bump into people, and we laugh/cry/rage uncontrollably.  We force the poor sober friend to take our abuse.  One of these abuses is making them the one to take the obnoxious photos of everyone else progressively getting drunk so that we can all laugh about it tomorrow and yell at our friends over Facebook to not to tag us, but really secretly hoping everyone sees how much of a party animal you are.

This photo screams: "I am
a responsible adult."

Then, it's your turn.  You're the sober one (everyone has to step up sometime).  You have to put up with the friend who's yelling in your ear about her problems with her boyfriend while on her seventh glass of wine.  You have to decipher your best friend's slurred tirade about why he hates his job while trying to comfort him with short sentences and repeating the same advice since they keep A.D.D.-ing elsewhere.  You wait impatiently as your group of friends stumble into each other in a crowded club trying to take a decent group partying photo.

And just when you think the night can't get any worse, drinks get spilled on your nice clubbing clothes, people keep stepping on your feet while you navigate a dancefloor of intoxicated heavyfoots and the bartender starts ignoring your requests for diet coke because he realizes he's not getting tipped by you.  Everything is just amplified by the fact that you're sober and observing all these assholes around you having the time of their lives and wishing you could be like them.  This is where an Ariel/Little Mermaid reference cue would work well.

All you want is for this night to be over.  You look down at your watch and it is still only 11 fucking 30.  These people are going to be partying until at least 2am.

DEEP SIGH.  Next time, you're drinking regardless of the antibiotics or the religious holiday.  But don't drink and drive.  That's just fucking stupid.

DEEP SIGH FUNFACT: The term SHITFACED DRUNK comes from the time where people used to dump their chamberpots (where they stored their shit because there was no indoor plumbing) out their windows and it would rain on unfortunate victims below.  In Edinburgh, Scotland, there were laws put in place that only allowed people to throw their pot contents out the window at 10am and 10pm.  10pm just happened to be when all of the drunks would leave the pubs as it was closing time.  The drunks would hear the warnings, but would be so wasted, they would look up to see where the shouting would come from and end up with shit on their face.  Hence, they would be the SHITFACED DRUNK.  (Cue "The More You Know" music.)